husena. tall. talkative. troublemaker.

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just keep it thin.

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i was told it's supposed to get easier with each passing day, but it sure doesn't feel that way.

"it's been awhile, and i must say i miss our friendship. i miss you, but what i really miss the most is not just you or us but how it all was."

and as i lay on my back in bed last night, staring blankly into the dark space around me, i thought. 2 minutes later, i turned to my side into a fetal position, hugging kitty katty with all my might, and i found myself sobbing myself to sleep. i still dont know why i was crying. i'm not depressed, i'm not ungrateful. i guess i just needed to cry a little, since i haven't in a while.

crying it out is supposed to make you feel better. but i have never felt better after crying, about anything. i've simply felt worse.

2 days ago, my bb buzzed with an email from mummy. it was a photo of nanima. if i remember correctly, it's been close to 2 and a half years since nanima passed away. but that fateful day is still etched in my mind, clear as day. and that photo just brought it all back, i felt myself tear.

they say death is part and parcel of life. the people who say it obviously havent had experience with it themselves.

i miss you nanima, i still do. so very, very much.

when you want something you can't have...

harden your heart husena.

in my fairytale, everything's easy. in my fairytale, there are no mean people. in my fairytale, the people i love, love me back. in my fairytale, i'm not lonely.

my fairytale has a happy ending.

my life is not a fairytale.

i don't let people in easily. i wish i did though.

really, it's so difficult to tell someone to be sensible when you aren't being too sensible yourself. and it's so difficult to be sensible coz most of the time the sensible thing is the right thing, and the right thing is always so damn difficult to do.

and this ramble is a result of physical, mental and emotional exhaustion.

i should sleep now.

it always happens, when you think you know someone.

you really can't tell if a person really cares, or is just using you to get to someone else. and if you do happen to find out that it's the latter, well, it sucks. but you can't blame anyone, your fault for being so trusting/stupid. again.

sometimes, actually most days, i feel like digging myself a nice little hole and sitting in there forever. and other than my family, i don't think anyone else would realise or care.

everyone keeps telling me, you don't get to complain, at least you have friends. i don't really want to have a gazillion friends. i'd just like to have one friend i can tell everything i go through and feel, and don't get judged. a friend who doesn't just listen to my world, but shares his/her world with me too.

because really, i feel loneliest when i'm standing in the middle of the largest crowd.

it is so difficult, so difficult, and it's always more difficult each time.

two weeks is way too short, the world is way too big, dubai is way too far.

life

is

not

fair.

i've been a bad sister.