husena. tall. talkative. troublemaker.

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just keep it thin.

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is what i feel at the moment. so many thoughts running through my head, so many things bugging me, so many bouts of anger, happiness and plain frustration come and go and leave me dry and hollow inside.

but let me blog about happier things first, like alef's sweet sixteen birthday party.

alef is so sweet! she planned for my friends to come too and celebrate my waras (birthday in the islamic calendar), but i didn't know about it so when they came into my room i was busy putting on eyeliner and they suddenly screamed surprise! and boy was i caught by surprise:

but anyway, thank you mummy, daddy and alef for the surprise, it was so lovely of you guys =) i missed Bhen a lot during the party, especially when my friends somehow ended up hanging out in Bhen's room.

more pictures from the party:















i know i brought most of what has happened upon myself, i wont blame anyone or anything for it, i completely deserve what i got. but i'm not gonna let it stay this way, i'm gonna get back on my feet and finish this race. it doesn't matter whether or not i win the medal, what matters is that i didn't give up. and i won't give up, it's not the end yet. i'm gonna own, watch me, watch me close.

it felt really good talking to mary (sitti maryam haha) in the morning. yknow, just sharing thoughts like that. thank you mary, for so many many wonderful years of friendship, and let me thank you in advance for the many more to come. you're my oldest school friend, and i'm so grateful that you're in my life. and thank you, for not changing. for being you, always, and not changing according to your company. i don't recall the last time we had uncomfortable silence between us, and it's just so great to know that i can always be myself around you. i love you mary =)

people change. and i feel sad when these people are/were my friends. there're people in secondary school, or even just last year, i was completely inseparable from, and now these same people have changed so much i don't even recognise them anymore. they recognise me, i suppose, but they walk away hastily and act like they don't so we don't have to make uncomfortable small talk. we drifted so far and so fast, that we didn't even realise it happened. makes me wonder, that just a few months after the A levels, on my 19th birthday, how many of the people i'm inseparable from now will be celebrating it with me?

i have never poured out my feelings to such a great extent on my blog. i feel slightly uncomfortable posting this, but i won't delete it either.

gives me a warped sense of achievement, overcoming my own fear of getting too personal for fear of getting judged.