husena. tall. talkative. troublemaker.

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so arefaben (whom i will now address as 'bhen', which means elder sister, for the rest of my post) left for dubai last night. sure she'll be back, but then she'll leave for real in april again. and i can't imagine what might be going through her head. leaving everything behind for a completely new place. new country, new house, new faces, even new hairdresser and optician. all i know is that she's gonna leave me to start her new life there and i can't even begin to describe how sad i am.

and if i've lived with her for 17 years, out of which 4-5 years i don't even remember, and i'm feeling like this, i really don't know how my parents are feeling. they'd lived with her for 22 whole years, and they remember every single one of those years.

bhen if you're reading this, i didn't cry at the airport because i didn't wanna make you cry. i comforted myself with the fact that you're coming back. but i don't think i'll be able to control my tears in april. bhen, i will miss you very very much. heck, forget will, i already miss you so much. i pray that you'll have all the happiness you want and need in your new house. and no matter what, i'll always be there for you. i know you still see me as your little sister, not grown up enough. but i hope that'll change one day and i'll be grown up enough for you to confide in me when you need to. i don't think i say this often enough bhen, but i love you, fiercely and very very much.

and if you're reading this jiju (which means brother-in-law), take good care of bhen k! she may seem all strong and independent, but i know she's a bit scared. so take care of her k!

sometimes i worry too. and i bet i'm not the only one. many girls worry abt this too. right? coz i'd probably get married one day too, and i'd possibly have to leave s'pore, my life, my parents, alef, my friends, my house. and i'd most definitely have to give up my surname. what will my life be like? will i have to change my lifestyle? eat some different kind of food? dress differently? will i get to work? it scares me sometimes, thinking about all this.

someone told me a long time ago that i worry too much and i should just learn to relax. and so i decided to live life for the moment, worry when the time comes. but after bhen got married, the teasing began. people telling me how i'm next in line and asking me whether i want a guy from london or america or dubai or india or australia or timbuktu. and then without my wanting it, the worrying began again. but then this song helped:

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty, will I be rich
Here's what she said to me.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

When I was young, I fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead
Will we have rainbows, day after day
Here's what my sweetheart said.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

Now I have children of my own
They ask their mother, what will I be
Will I be handsome, will I be rich
I tell them tenderly.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

there is some truth in that. whatever will be, will be. i just need to relax again, take it one step at a time. and then maybe the future won't be as scary as i make it out to be.